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| 04:22am 24/03/2006 |
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mood:  depressed
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it's 4:30 in the morning and i haven't slept yet. I cleaned my room today and did my laundry. that was pretty fun. I don't really know what to say...i guess i'll start with..for the past few days i've been quite depressed..i don't really know why..i guess it's a bunch of different things. not being in school has really got me thinking about a lot of things. for one thing..i've been thinking about my mom a lot more lately. i think about her everyday but lately i've been really missing her. i could only imagine what my dad is going through. there are times when i'm okay but a lot of the times i'm not. i hope that the autopsy results show what the doctors did wrong. if they hadn't given her the wrong meds she'd still be here. she'd still be here. when i see or hear people talking about their moms and how they can't stand her and how she's this and she's that i get mad. if they only knew what it's like not having a mom around. don't get me wrong..my mom and i didn't really get along but i didn't understand her. all my mom did was love me and tried to do what was best for me. i wish i had seen it then but i do now and it's too late. |
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| 01:33pm 24/07/2005 |
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mood: bored
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I'm at work and i'm sitting around doing nothing. I'm online and I don't really want to talk to anybody. I've gotta go see a doctor cuz my shoulder still hurts from go carting. I'm such a baby. but it does hurt.I had a photoshoot last night at a beauty pageant. it was pretty interesting. the women weren't that amazing looking but I had a good time photographing them. I always have fun when i do photoshoots.
I can't wait till I go back to school. 1) I get to start my photography program. 2) I get to move out. 3)I'll be closer to finishing college. I'm so excited. I have all the equipment already. Well most of it at least. I won't have spend so much money renting equipment. I CAN'T WAIT!
I bumped into Grace yesterday too. I haven't seen her since highschool. We both were kind of dealing with the same problems at home. I remember talking to her about it in highschool and how bad it was. But she recently told me that she'll be moving to the states by herself for school. I was so happy to hear that because she really needs to get out of that house. But things are going well for her and I'm glad. Things are somewhat going well for me too. I'm actually able to move out but its still kinda weird at home.
Omg. this guy that came in for a passport is making me so mad. he's giving me such a hard time. and he had the nerve to ask me out on a date. what an ass. there are so many stupid people out there. |
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| i really need to fix this page up....oh well |
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| 04:47pm 23/06/2005 |
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mood:  content
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I'm at work and I'm bored and hungry. There aren't a lot of customers coming in today which I like. I think it's cuz it's nice and hot out so nobody really wants to get their photos taken. Oh well. better for me.
I'm starting to look at places for when I move out this september. I'm quite excited but not really. I'm excited because I'll be on my own and will be able to experience life but I'm not really excited because I will be on my own and will be able to experience life. Does that make sense? I just hope I get this one place that I'm looking at. It's really close to the school and the price..well..it's reasonable, a bit expensive, but I think I'll be able to manage. I can't wait to start my program. I have been waiting for this since, let me think, tenth grade. I've been wanting to do this for so long at this particular school. So getting accepted was a dream come true, well one of my dreams. It'll be a hard year but I feel that I'm prepared to make sacrifices and work really hard to do well and succeed.
My mom is doing a bit better. She still isn't great but at least she isn't in the hospital. I hope she gets better and that she lives a long life. She's a strong woman. I know she can fight this. She wasn't suppose to have children but she had two. So I know she'll be able to fight this. I pray to God she'll be okay
Emily is here. bye |
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| I need something new. |
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| 03:43am 08/06/2005 |
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mood: depressed
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It's 3:44 in the morning and i'm once again sitting around doing nothing. I can't sleep. I'm too worried to sleep. My mom is in the hospital again. Which really sucks. this is the second time in the past month that she'd been there. I really hope that she will be ok. Her birthday is coming up really soon and she's geting sicker. I really don't want anything bad to happen to her. It's getting closer and its gettimg me depressed. It really sucks to see her getting weaker. It's like she gets weaker everyday. I don't ever want to lose her. I want her to see me graduate, get a goodjob, get married, and have a child. This really sucks. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because of this. I want her to get better. |
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| Up so late |
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| 05:36am 23/05/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative
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It is 5:36 in the morning and I have yet to sleep. Since school finished, I have been up every night till 7 in the morning. I don't know why but I just can't sleep at night.
I got a job recently at a portrait studio called Portraits Plus at Square one. I've been working there for about two weeks now and I'm really liking it. It isn't too busy but it's busy enough. I like working there and I'm learning alot about the proffesion. After I'm done with all my schooling, I'm planning on opening up my own studio. I just don't know how to go about it and working at Portraits Plus might teach me a thing or two about how to get started. It isn't really a job for me. I get to take photos all day and I don't consider that work.
I'm really missing school for some reason. I hate just sitting around doing nothing. I'd rather be at school. I know that sounds lame but I want to go to school. Also, the sooner I finish school the sooner I get to live my life as I please. I want to start my life already but before I can do that I have to finish school. It'll only be for two years and it's going to be something that I love to do so two years will go by quick.
My life is going ok right now. I've just fixed a thing or two with a few people in my life. Things were going pretty badly but now they're "ok". It's not great but it's getting there. I hope. I still can't believe what people would do to break up a relationship just to get layed. It is unbelievable. These people don't know anything about you, have never met you, or spoken to you and they have a nerve to judge you and say shit about you and try to ruin what you have with someone. It sickens me and when you confront them they lie and hide from you. Some girls that have tried to do this before at least had the courage to speak to me and tell me the truth and I respect that. Doesn't mean that I agree with what they did, I just respect the fact that she was able to tell me the truth. But some people are just so cowardly. To be honest, to that girl that sent me those emails (you know who you are) I want to thank you. What you did made me realize that you should always be careful even with people that you trust the most. I don't like the fact that all that shit happened but I'm thankful that it did. It taught me to stand up for myself and helped me realize what I really had to offer. That I shouldn't let people take advantage of me or take me for granted. You made me realize that I deserve better. Thank you.
I still have some anger built up inside from everything that has happened. I'm trying to let everything go but it's hard to let go when it hurts so bad. Sometimes I wish that all that shit never happened but I think about it and I realize that I wouldn't be the way that I am if it didn't and I like the way I am right now. I'm content.
well I guess I'm gonna head to bed maybe watch a bit of tv before I sleep. |
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| Almost done. |
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| 05:13am 15/04/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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Tomorrow is the last day of school. or should I say today since it's five in the morning. I've been every night for about a week now finishing my assignments. I have one left to do and it needs to be handed in at 2 in the afternoon tomorrow/later. I can't believe I was able to finish a months worth of work in a week. I'm actually pretty happy that I did that. I might be a little insane from lack of sleep right now but I almost have everything done. It actually doesn't even matter if I flunk out of art fundamentals because I already got into photography but I feel bad not doing the assignments. I'm happy that school is over because I don't have to do any work for a few months but I'm sad that school is over because I'm going to miss a lot of people from school. Oh well. Life goes on, right?
I've just recently found out that I'm going to the Philipines for a couple of weeks. I don't really want to go but my relatives are insisting on me "getting in touched with my roots". They say that I don't really know what it's like there and I should go to experience it but I'm not really looking forward to going. I'm a little excited just because I haven't been back in over ten years. I'm sure that I'll just complain about the heat. I think I'm suppose to be singing at the wedding. My family always forces me to do that especially when I don't want to. I'm a little happy about going back but I'm worried that I'm not going to have enough money.
I was quite happy today. Maybe it was because the sun was out or the fact that school is done. which reminds me. I need to get that last assignment finished. I really don't want to do it. I think I should just give up....hmmm..nah. I'M SO SLEEPY! |
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| *sigh* |
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| 01:46am 10/04/2005 |
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mood: calm
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I have one more week left of school and I have a months worth of work to do. I think I'm just going to explode but I am beginning to get happy. School is almost over which means I'm closer to starting my photography program which I am really excited about. But at the same time I'm pretty sad because Anna won't be there. We actually got really close this year and I can honestly say that she is the truest friend that I have ever had in my life. She and Travis are the closest friends I have right now and I really hope that doesn't change. I was really looking forward to being her room mate but i decided to go to Sheridan. It's been my dream to go to Sheridan for photography for the longest time. I have always wanted to get in. The first time I applied, I was rejected and I was so sad. I wasn't expecting to get into Sheridan the second time around but I did and I'm really happy. I hope that she isn't upset with me and I hope she understands how I feel about it. I love her and I will miss her a lot.
I'm really happy that Travis is in my life. He's there for me for absolutely everything. I honestly wouldn't know what I would do If he wasn't there for me. He has made everything easier to deal with. He's my angel. He got me Pip and I LOVE Pip, I still don't know if Pip is a girl or a boy but I LOVE him/her anyways. And I love him for getting pip for me, well I love him for a lot of other things but I'm so thankful that he got me Pip. But anyways, enough about Pip. But I do feel bad about something. Lately I've been getting mad at him a lot, like really mad at him. I don't mean to but it just happens. I'm trying to change it because I don't want to be yelling at him all the time because half the time he doesn't deserve to be yelled at. He's been away for a while and I miss him and I love him. I hope that he comes to visit soon. Cuz I don't think I'll be able to go through a year without seeing him. It won't be too long now.
I finally started wearing my ring again. I just hope that I'll be able to leave it on.
My brother came home today. It's always nice seeing him. I miss him a lot too. It's not the same when he isn't around. Sometimes it's nice to be independant but most of the time I still need my big brother, you know for reaching stuff that's too high for me to reach..hehehe, I'm kidding. I do need my brother for a lot of things. I get really lonely around the house. I don't talk to anybody at home. I'm just happier when my brother is around. I'm always glad when he comes home (he also loves pip).
well that's all for now. |
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| 09:53am 06/04/2005 |
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hey mary, it's ben anna. I just wanted to update your livejournal since you hardly do. actually, that's not true. I'm proud of you for getting into Humber and Sheridan and for recently sockin' it to "Bruce" and those TD bank people too. BOOYAKA! and remember about our conversation last night, you can overcome this mess, it's all a matter of self-assurance, determination, and hard work. I sound like a preparation H commercial, but it works, right? RIGHT! remember you kept listing the problems down, then i'd add some, then you'd be like "oh yeah, i gotta worry about THAT too!" haha sorry. just wanted to tell you we will wade through this crap together, and yeah, i slept in today. Jebus help me! I'm supposed to interrogate cadbury for jen today! oh well.
peace in the middle east,
anna b+-+++-++-+ |
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| ......... |
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| 05:53pm 03/04/2005 |
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mood:  apathetic
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I don't know what to say. School is almost over and I have so much work to do. I am so behind on all my assignments and I really don't want to do them anymore. I already got into the program that I wanted to get into and I'm so excited butI still have two weeks to worry about. I keep saying to myself, don't worry about it because it doesn't matter but I don't want a failing mark to show on my transcript. This year has been a long and eventful one. So much shit happened this year. I just want to leave everything and everyone and have some time to myself for a while. Just completely cut everyone off and take a break from all the drama that's been happening. I've learned so much this year too. I learned that you shouldn't trust anybody. You should always be aware that every person out there is going to do what is good for them no matter who they hurt along the way. I can't believe that some girls out there would go out of their way to break up a relationship just to get layed. and this I should've known already, every guy will always think with their penis and not with their heads. so for all you girls out there that think that your guy loves you, is faithful and true to you, always think the opposite. Trust me It'll save you heartache. Even if "nothing happened" and he promises that "nothing happened" you will never or if you do, have a really hard time getting over it. never trust what a guy says to you. guys will say anything, i mean anything, to get you into bed or even just to simply shut you up. I have so much more to say but I don't want to get into it right now. |
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| OMG! |
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| 06:10pm 31/03/2005 |
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mood: ecstatic
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I GOT INTO PHOTOGRAPHY AT SHERIDAN!!!!! |
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| AHHHH! |
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| 06:02pm 30/03/2005 |
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mood: blah
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Anna had just found out today that she got into humber. I'm really happy for her. We can both go to humber now. I might not be able to live on rez because it's too expensive. I don't how I will be able to afford it. But Anna and I have decided to live off campus. It'll be much cheaper. All I gotta do is pitch the idea to my parents. I don't know how well they'll take that but I think I would do better in school if I'm closer to it. Photography is expensive...very expensive..and I need a job while I'm in school and it is going to be impossible for me to have a job and earn enough money for it if I spend all my time on the bus. That also doesn't leave enough time for me to do all my assignments. However, if I do live on rez or student housings I will have time for all of that. I just have to explain this to my parents. That's the hardest part of it. I hope that they understand. |
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| 02:55pm 29/03/2005 |
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mood: happy
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I'm feeling quite happy today. After having a really bad day yesterday, I'm feeling good today. It's really nice out and I really don't know what to say right now. I'm glad I got into photography. I'll be albe to live on rez but only if I raise enough money and I hope I do because i don't want commute anymore or stay home. I photograped a wedding a few weeks ago and I just got the pictures back from the lab and I am quite happy with how the photos turned out, my dad was pretty impressed too (I think). Judgement day for sheridan students is on thursday. That is the day we all find out if we got into the programs that we applied for. fingers crossed everybody. I really hope that Anna gets into humber. I know she will. |
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| 04:00pm 23/03/2005 |
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mood: content
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anna and i are at the computer lab, and shes typing while i recite. YEAH!
I also received an acceptance for creative photography at Humber today, so I"m pretty happy right now.. I'm also worried about my hamster pip, cause jebus knows he eats everything. and i mean, EVERYTHING.
even....your mom! haha sorry, im just giddy.
gotta go do 2d work now, bye!
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marygarcia_02's journal